Yes, I know what you're thinking: Doritos Nacho Cheese booze?
You're actually thinking it in italics, even if you didn't even realize it. It sounds, simply put, ludicrous — an April Fools' Day prank, a joke being played on the American public to see just how far our belief would stretch even in this surreal day and age.
I had the exact same thought when I opened up my email inbox and found a press press release for the Empirical x Doritos® Nacho Cheese Spirit. (Registered trademark included.)
Then I read the whole press release, which included quotes like, “Doritos is all about disrupting culture and bringing our fans unexpected, bold experiences. We’re always pushing our fans to try new things, so we figure it’s time we disrupt the spirits category by offering our iconic nacho cheese flavor in a bottle." This ostensibly came from someone named Tina Mahal, Frito-Lay North America's senior vice-president of marketing. (I checked on LinkedIn; she's real.)
With every paragraph, the release seemed more surreal. By the third one, I'd learned that not only was this meant to taste like Nacho Cheese — capital N, capital C — it was actually made with real Doritos Nacho Cheese chips, with Denmark-based partner distiller Empirical "retaining their essence through vacuum distillation." (Empirical is known for creating alcoholic beverages that don't fit into traditional categories like gin or whiskey, so transforming junk food into booze sounds very much like a challenge they'd enjoy.)
It all sounds insane. After all, this is Doritos — the mass-produced, artificially flavored tortilla chips that have been a staple of college dorm diets and stoner snacking for decades. The idea of Doritos booze sounds more like a joke from a 1990s-era issue of The Onion than an actual consumer product ... especially one that would be going on sale for $65 a bottle on December 13th.
And to be completely honest, I wasn't well-and-truly convinced it was real until a sample bottle showed up in my mailbox, in all its clear, 84-proof, Doritos-logoed glory.
Yes, those are tasting notes on the back of the bottle.
Holding the bottle in my hand not only meant this bizarre booze finally felt real, it also felt like the universe calling my bluff. Never one to back down from a challenge — especially if it involves weird alcoholic drinks — I felt compelled to sample the Empirical / Doritos collab with the same dedication and fidelity I'd bring to trying a five-figure, five-decade-old scotch whisky.
Well, except I also ate Taco Bell with it.
Doritos Nacho Cheese Spirit: Tasting Notes
Appearance: Clear as water, just like vodka. Actually, it might well technically be vodka. Surprisingly impressive legs, though.
On the nose: It smells like straight alcohol. Delve deeper, and you'll notice light notes of processed tortilla.
On the palette: Gentle notes of black pepper and spice.
On the finish: Intense umami, a hint of brine or ocean air, rich mouthfeel ... and, undoubtably, a blast of flavor that could only be Doritos Nacho Cheese.
But Empirical and Doritos don't just want people to drink it neat, which will presumably happen mostly on dares or for fraternity hazing; they're also encouraging people to use it in cocktails.
I didn't have the energy to make a Mary Mary or a Red Bag Old Fashioned — blame the Taco Bell — but I did throw together a poor man's margarita using three parts Doritos booze, two parts pre-squeezed lime juice and one part Grand Marnier, stirred over ice in a Yeti 10-ounce Rambler. (Pro tip: more cocktails are better served in a Yeti; they keep their cool way longer.) The lime juice and orange flavor overpowered the heavy flavors of the Doritos booze, but the umami and Nacho Cheese still reared their head on the finish. It wasn't superior to a regular margarita ... but it wasn't bad, either.
Doritos Nacho Cheese Spirit: The Verdict
It is, in absolutely no way, shape or form worth spending $65 for a bottle based on its flavor alone. You could probably generate something similar by crushing Nacho Cheese Doritos powder in a bottle of Smirnoff, letting it sit for a couple weeks, then pouring the result through a Brita pitcher. It's not bad — in fact, I found it unexpectedly palatable — but considering what you can buy for that money, there are better ways to combine the flavor of Nacho Cheese Doritos and the buzz of alcohol if you so desire.
That said, as a conversation piece, a party surprise or a gift for a friend with a very specific type of humor? Absolutely worth it.
